a glitch in the matrix

A glitch in the matrix

You are an anomaly, Jane, a glitch in the matrix. You probably don’t even exist. Still, here you are, with your shiny, long hairs, darker than the moonless nights I’ve been yearning for.

There’s a charm to you Jane, a magnetic charm. It’s quite identical to watching a full moon glide peacefully across the sky through a grove of trees from deep inside a forest on a cloudless night sky filled with 50 million stars twinkling in delight. You might not think much of it but this is the biggest compliment I could give you tonight.

Each word I say to you has a meaning, a story behind it. I don’t intend to bore you with lazy cliches. I don’t mean to eat your precious time with flirts and lies like your previous admirers. The words that come out are the transformation of feelings that come from deep within. Could it be heart? I’m never sure. But, this is the least you deserve, Jane.

You are an anomaly Jane, a glitch in the matrix, Maybe, you don’t even exist. But, then again, here you are, sitting right alongside me, with your dark brown eyes just like mine. An exact replica, if there ever was one.

And I could open up to you like I open up to my notebook, when I’m all alone, in the dark, naked, drunk, in the zone. I can be myself around you, Jane. ‘Myself’, the word has lost its meaning to me, lately.

I can talk to you about my scrambled, messed-up head and all the jumbles and madness that goes inside it. And about all the moments when I’m in the mood, in the zone, and that uncomfortable feeling that comes along with it.

I feel uncomfortable, anxious, messed up, but I want to hold onto this feeling and elevate it as much as I can. I need to, I have to because this one’s true, this one’s mine. This one eats me but makes me feel alive. This one brings me inspiration and acts as a muse. This one’s good enough to transforms the madness into words. Yes, it makes me feel empty, but this one completes me too.

This one’s a paradox, Jane. A confusion, a complication, an unsolvable equation, and I succumb to it, Jane. I succumb to it like an addict eventually succumbs to heroin. Or a fucked up mind eventually succumbs to the chaos. I succumb to it because there’s no other way.

Because, however much uncomfortable this one is, however much it kills me from the inside, a million cells at a time. No matter, however much punishment it inflicts on me, I have to welcome it. Why? Because there’s no other option, Jane. I need to feel alive, I need to feel at home, I need to feel accepted every once in a while, and this is the only one that does it for me.

Do you get me, Jane? Do you understand me? Or, are you the same, like all of them who piss over me because I’m difficult? Or like the ones I piss over because I’m a stubborn bastard.

You are not like them, though, are you, Jane? You are an anomaly, Jane, a glitch in the matrix. And you definitely don’t exist to a sober mind of mine. Yet, here you are, in my intoxicated state, beautiful and warm, like a dreamy pop song that no one has discovered yet; Antiquated? A figment of my imagination? Who cares!

I know you like me Jane, and I am obviously crazy about you. But, I would rather ‘live’ this moment in my intoxication until sobriety kicks in than spend all of my life with you.

I’ve got nothing against you, Jane. But, at this moment, the way I feel about you, about me, about everything surrounding us, the atmosphere, the night sky, the music, and everything else…nothing can stop this, Jane. There are no other moments that can top this one. And I want to stay like this for as long as I can.

No, I’m not running away from reality, Jane. Or maybe I am. But, this wasted mind of mine would rather preserve this moment forever, than corrupt it with the realities of life. I don’t want that. You don’t want that too. So, let’s just stay this way as long as we can.

You definitely are an anomaly, Jane. A glitch in the matrix. And I wouldn’t have you any other way.

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